Conditioned Joy vs. Unconditioned Joy
Day 117. 2021 Apr 25
- my heart is empty. I want and need joy but it isn’t near. I thought about my iniquity .. but not sure either!
- today was such a free day. vnese class, swimming class all got cancelled due to the emergency state in Tokyo. We rushed for the swimming class but returned in .. I felt a weight in my heart
- I slept from 2 to 330 but .. didn’t feel very satisfied .. the thought that I am just eating and sleeping is still haunting me. The check list looks fine and healthy .. and I don’t think that lack of action is the reason.
- I didn’t feel joy in giving 1st offering as well while I knew God loves cheerful givers ..
- I am subconsciously anxious about this state .. while in a sense I should be thankful about it .. as it looks peaceful from the outside .. but not the inside
- am I hungry for connection?
- am I turning my face to the wrong direction that God wants me to do?
- Now I now I didn’t feel connected to the Lord, that’s why I couldn’t feel joy and hope, given everything is set greatly!
- perhaps I was fearing that I am being put outside of the team (the fact that I am no longer commit to the QBR doc, .. while everyone is busy .. I am staying behind .. despite I was happy not being involved in busy activities ..) Oh Lord, I am holding lots of conflicts within myself, subconsciously. How can I be .. having capacity to connect with the Lord.
- I felt lonely .. and was being blind by my unreasonable anxiety (I am not doing something visibly contribute to me team, to my family, to my circles)
- morning walk was good. run slowly but more continuously. plus, having a comment from sempai felt like cheerful
- exchanging msg with cH, cM about sharing the butter and jack fruit .. felt like great .. a sense of connected to the world
- waking up from my nap, spouse and the kid going out (perhaps for connect and practice the ball, which is a delighting fact for me, as spouse is sharing more workload and participating in training the kid .. which I was totally lost hope just about half year ago)
- watch the demo session of steam for vn, and sharing the info via zalo with my big fam was a sense of connected .. I felt like I am doing something useful for others
- thank you Lord that somehow I understand the root cause of my heart issue: fear and anxiety .. that I am not useful for others: at work, at Elaine, big fam, paper coding, children (vietnamese skill) .. I am not making progress in creating my values for my circles. amen
- Joy of salvation.救いの喜びを再び鮮やかにして、心からあなたに従おうとする思いに満たしてください
- Psalm 51:10–13 ESV “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.” JCB “ああ神よ。どうか、きよい思いと正しい願いで満たされた、新しいきれいな心にしてください。私を見捨てて、永久に御前から追放してしまわれることがありませんように。聖霊を私から取り上げないでください。救いの喜びを再び鮮やかにして、心からあなたに従おうとする思いに満たしてください。私のように罪深い人々に、私はあなたの道を教えます。きっと悔い改めて、あなたに立ち返ることでしょう。”
- Luke 24:33–35 ESV “and they (Cleopas & a friend) rose that same hour and returned to Jerusalem. And they found the eleven and those who were with them gathered together, saying ‘The Lord has risen indeed, and has appeared to Simon!’ Then they told what had happened on the road, and how he was known to them in the breaking of the bread.” JCB “そして、すぐエルサレムへ取って返しました。戻ってみると、十一人の弟子たちやほかの弟子たちが迎え、「主は、ほんとうに復活された。ペテロがお会いしたのだからまちがいない」と話していました。 そこで二人も、エマオへ行く途中イエスと出会ったことや、パンをちぎられた時にはっきりイエスだとわかったことなどを話しました。”
- Joy of salvation? I need to pray to the Lord to fill me again.
- What I learnt from reflecting myself today. Cheerfulness and satisfaction must be the good things in the sight of the Lord and I can achieve them via good services by leveraging the strength and courage, I am receiving from the Lord. However, these are conditioned joy and they are unstable just as I am. and also could cause connection/socialization fatigue. There seems to have a conversion curse for this kind of conditioned joy, the more we invest, we don’t get improvement but fatigue.
- cheerfulness = quality of connection (with people in my circles, especially at work circles for now, with Christian fellow circles, with big family circles, .. and more)
- Satisfaction = a sense of progressing in creating my values within my circles
- The Bible teaches me to seek the “joy of salvation”, the unconditioned joy which is given only to those ask, seek and knock on the Lord. Which somehow coming from reflecting, desire, listen and understanding. amen. And it feels like there is not limit for this sort of Joy (and Hope), the more we ask, the more we could expect to receive (how super-natural is it?)
- Strengthen my fellow: ask Elaine for Sunday connect.
- perhaps, share with my connect group about today learning about conditioned joy vs. unconditioned joy